What does the future hold? - Quel avenir attends je?

I got up the courage to contact my clinic in Spain this week. They were quite reassuring about any future treatment. The test I should take, the chances of success etc.

The bottom line remains that they have no idea when they will be able to start treatment again - especially for those from overseas.

J'ai eu le courage de contacter ma clinique en Espagne cette semaine. Ils ont été assez rassurants concernant les traitements futurs. Les analyses que je devrais faire, les chances du succès etc.

Mais le fait reste qu'ils n'ont aucune idée de quand ils pourront commencer leurs traitements de nouveau - surtout pour ceux qui viennent de l'étranger.

Due date - date prévue

As I've said previously UK and French due dates are calculated differently. Living in France today is Evan's official due date. The day has been ok until about 18.00 when the tears flowed heavily before calming a bit. A candle is lit and I wanted to speak directly to my son this evening.

Comme j'ai dit auparavant la façon de calculer la date prévue d'accouchement diffère  entre la France et le Royaume-Uni. Pour la France c'est aujourd'hui qu'Evan aurait dû pousser son nez. Ça allait jusqu'à 18h quand les larmes ont coulé profondément avant de se calmer un peu. J'ai allumé une bougie et je voulais parler directement à mon fils ce soir. Evan aurait été bilingue, mais comme sa maman je lui parlerait en anglais.

My darling Evan,

Today you should be here in my arms, but you're not. I feel so much guilt surrounding that.

You were so wanted. I went to quite extreme lengths to bring you into this world. Please know that and how much you were loved.

Despite the above early pregnancy sent me into emotional turmoil and I'm so sorry for all my doubts and insecurities about the reaction of others. There was frequent bleeding and I felt so ill. I'm so sorry for wishing it to stop - I wish now to have felt ill the full 9 months rather than you to have arrived so early.

I wish I'd begged to stop work sooner. Should I have driven during the train strike to take your sister to a concert in Paris for her birthday? Would any of this made a difference? Please know that if I'd known it would then I would have done differently.

I'm so sorry that I'd only started to rejoice in my pregnancy for the last month or so before you were born. You deserved better and I'm ashamed.

When you arrived so suddenly I was in shock and still under the influence of the anaesthetic and morphine they gave me when it came to meet you. Again I have so many regrets that I only got to go that day and wasn't allowed back. I fainted. I wanted to pick up your little moses basket, to talk to you and to have at least one photo of you lying so peacefully. All of this I didn't manage.

As your mummy I was meant to keep you safe. I failed you. I'm so terribly sorry.

Know that I love you my darling boy. My heart aches for you, I long to hold you and I miss you every day.

All my love,

Mummy

What a difference a day makes - Quelle différence d'un jour à l'autre

An ultra sound picture sent in a whatsapp group and a comment about how maybe I will be a grand parent in 10 years. I'm in pieces.

L'image d'une échographie envoyé dans un groupe whatsapp et une remarque que peut être je serai grand mère en 10 ans. Je suis brisée.

40 weeks - 40 semaines

Ok so in the UK, the States, Spain etc. pregnancy lasts 40 weeks here in France it's longer. I thought 41, but my 2 dates were 9 days apart. 8th and 17th April.

I was expecting to feel much less calm today.  I wasn't good at all 2/3 weeks ago. Maybe the date confusion is meaning there is no date to mark?

Everyone agrees a baby should be out by 42 weeks, maybe that's when it will hit?

Bon en GB, les États-Unis, Espagne etc. la grossesse dure 40 semaines. Ici en France c'est plus long. Je croyais 41 semaines mais l'écart entre les 2 dates était de 9 jours. Le 8 et le 17 avril.

J'attendais me sentir beaucoup moins calme aujourd'hui. Ça n'allait pas de tout il y a 2/3 semaines. Peut-être que la confusion avec le date fait qu'il n'y a pas de date à marquer?

Tout le monde est d'accord qu'il faut faire sortir le bébé avant les 42 semaines. C'est peut-être la que j'aurai un claque?

Baby boom?

There are some who predict a baby boom following the Covid 19 confinement.
The European Society for Human Reproduction, however doesn't recommend getting pregnant at this time. Do you think the European population is listening? I hope that at least some of those who have suffered infant loss have the courage to try, although I am told that it will be impossible to have a care free pregnancy

For those of us depending on IVF for a chance of a future pregnancy then the decision has been taken for us. The clinics are closed. In my case my embryos aren't even in the same country as me. It seems another layer of hope has disappeared.

Il y en a qui prévoit un baby boom après le confinement dû au Covid 19. La Société Européenne pour la Reproduction Humaine déconseille la grossesse en ce moment. Vous pensez que la population européenne est à l'écoute? J'espère qu'il y en aura au moins quelques-unes qui ont vécu la perte d'un bébé qui auront le courage d'essayer.

Pour ceux entre nous qui ont besoin de faire un FIV pour avoir une chance d'une future grossesse la décision a été prise de notre part. Les cliniques sont fermées. Dans mon cas, les embryons ne sont même pas dans le même pays que moi. Encore de l'espoir disparue.