Due date - date prévue

As I've said previously UK and French due dates are calculated differently. Living in France today is Evan's official due date. The day has been ok until about 18.00 when the tears flowed heavily before calming a bit. A candle is lit and I wanted to speak directly to my son this evening.

Comme j'ai dit auparavant la façon de calculer la date prévue d'accouchement diffère  entre la France et le Royaume-Uni. Pour la France c'est aujourd'hui qu'Evan aurait dû pousser son nez. Ça allait jusqu'à 18h quand les larmes ont coulé profondément avant de se calmer un peu. J'ai allumé une bougie et je voulais parler directement à mon fils ce soir. Evan aurait été bilingue, mais comme sa maman je lui parlerait en anglais.

My darling Evan,

Today you should be here in my arms, but you're not. I feel so much guilt surrounding that.

You were so wanted. I went to quite extreme lengths to bring you into this world. Please know that and how much you were loved.

Despite the above early pregnancy sent me into emotional turmoil and I'm so sorry for all my doubts and insecurities about the reaction of others. There was frequent bleeding and I felt so ill. I'm so sorry for wishing it to stop - I wish now to have felt ill the full 9 months rather than you to have arrived so early.

I wish I'd begged to stop work sooner. Should I have driven during the train strike to take your sister to a concert in Paris for her birthday? Would any of this made a difference? Please know that if I'd known it would then I would have done differently.

I'm so sorry that I'd only started to rejoice in my pregnancy for the last month or so before you were born. You deserved better and I'm ashamed.

When you arrived so suddenly I was in shock and still under the influence of the anaesthetic and morphine they gave me when it came to meet you. Again I have so many regrets that I only got to go that day and wasn't allowed back. I fainted. I wanted to pick up your little moses basket, to talk to you and to have at least one photo of you lying so peacefully. All of this I didn't manage.

As your mummy I was meant to keep you safe. I failed you. I'm so terribly sorry.

Know that I love you my darling boy. My heart aches for you, I long to hold you and I miss you every day.

All my love,

Mummy